SaturYay

It truly amazes me how well put together we all are. I’m shocked at least 5 times a day, that we all aren’t running around with underwear on our heads, losing our shit.  No one has patience anymore, people don’t care enough to look at the stars. Gay marriage is legal, so I’m proud of progress.

It’s funny, how life continuously feels like it plays by that unwritten rule: You have to lose something great, in order to receive something great. The only good part about that, is in the midst of your grief and loss, you know something is coming. A constant cycle of loss and anticipation.

No one has manners, and it sucks. I wish I saw less men who walk 5 feet in front of women. But thank God, there is champagne.

Wednesday, November 9

The mail man wasn’t wearing the smile he usually brings in with him. Instead of the usual warming conversation, we simply exchanged polite gestures. I woke up this morning convinced that if I didn’t check my phone or read the paper that nothing had changed. Well, I’ve spent the morning avoiding both and I know deep down that a world of change is to come about. So far, I’ve tried reading, cleaning, and praying, but all that has done is make my coffee go cold. Perhaps I should have been more timid.

I envision an America where we all come together, work together and want more for one another. Today, I am thinking of my LGBTQ friends, my autistic/disabled friends, my friends of color and race that are different from my own, and survivors of sexual assault – I am with you. I am with you, when your ID gets checked instead of mine when we are pulled over, when you get glances in the mall, when words of hate are whispered of you behind you in line, and when a stranger walking by grabs your butt. The America I envision will not roll their eyes as they read this, but start with acknowledging that because acts of injustice and hate are not happening to you or in front of you DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY DO NOT EXIST. So, today especially, please be kind with both your words and judgment. Please, remember that a world out there exists in which your eyes have not yet seen . We can only do so much, then there is God.

Some week in September

  

  
I stared at the wine craft as the lovely bartender poured my glass and a half of Malbec. I spent the rest of that moment or so admiring how still and warm the rest of the room looked. How can someone feel so at home when sitting at a bar stool? I suppose, the same way one can in their childhood home, or while wrapped in the arms of a lover.
The best of that evening was watching the sunset as it swallowed the town whole with all its beauty and firing ambers; turning all pretty things green with envy. The night was still and calm, without a single bashful soul walking past the patio to spoil the moment. I closed my eyes, bliss took my body over. I shook my head, in response to my thoughts of the past eight months. My world has never known such peace and happiness.
That was the most pleasurable evening I have spent with myself in years. I hadn’t known what love meant until i walked away from that patio – feeling selfish. To my dismay, love, in its purest, most honest form is walking away from my most enjoyed evening alone feeling selfish, because you weren’t there to share it with me. That, I believe, must be love. I kept thinking, how much I wish you were there to see the sky take my breath away, take in its greatness. So, when I tell you I miss you, please understand I mean that I will eternally search for you in the magic of books, in beautiful lyrics and in the kind eyes of innocent souls.

Dreamers

Don’t forget about the dreamers.

Don’t forget about staying up late to watch Laverne and Shirley. Please, hold on to the moment when you first acknowledged the beauty of a snowfall – so much, that you almost reconsidered playing in it. Grab on tightly to everything that was, before you knew of the worlds disasters and catastrophes. Promise me, that you will remember that there was a time when you were not cold. It wasn’t until some day between then and now, that you unwillingly allowed the world to make you feel this angst. Maybe, I suppose… It is true – when you grow up, your soul turns cold. But don’t you dare fucking forget, that you, your human body, your human heart, your wonderful soul and being is capable of all the happiness to ever exist. You are a dreamer. 

Dreamers live on forever.  

 

In-between

I keep wondering about ‘in betweens’, and why we were never taught about them. You must know what I mean when I say ‘in betweens’. That moment, (if just a moment), in the middle of being asleep and being awake. The thought in someone’s head right after they quit being a good friend, yet before they start being a bad one, what would you call that? There must be an in-between, there is a moment that stands between someone being full of hope, and them losing it. I am unsatisfied with the word in-between. I want Webster to provide examples, synonyms – I want answers! As we all do… Just another human, stomping around demanding answers. These words are delicate, if you were in my head, you would understand why. 

July

  
Rent is due

Take vitamins 

Be good to people

Be good to yourself

Leave a mark

Do people really make to-do lists?

I get a migraine just walking past the bar where I didn’t pay my tab at last night

Mr. Smith, really? 50 cents for a refill after I already paid tax to sit in here

Sandusky Bob said I’m alright, so at least I know I’m not the only one gone mad

Molly Ringwald, how come when I bite my lip I look stupid?

I need a thunderstorm 

I want Monday back

It’s summer and my house has looked dark for days

Thanks for being my lava lamp

Remember when you knocked over that lava lamp drunk?

I stumble over unspoken words in public

And I can’t write for shit

How can I do what’s expected of me, if no one expects anything from me?

Well, rents not paid

We’ve all gone mad

And I think it’s going to storm

I know people usually say ‘I love you’…

But thanks for being my lava lamp 

 

State of Grace

  
     A moment ago, I had it all mapped out pleasantly in my head. Now that I am finally comfortable, all of that has vanished. Life, or God, does a divine job of making sure I feel this way often. I suppose, maybe it is neither. Maybe, I am in control of these happenings, if this be the case – I am unaware. Anyhow, if I sat there and thought hard enough about it, I believe it to be true to say that I am desperately trying to prove something. If any Tom, Dick, or Harry comes to realization of what that something may be, I will be here waiting.  

       Last night I had a petrifying nightmare about my lover, it was quite awful. I did not dream that he was carried away on the crest of a wave. Watching him waste his soul on the darkness is similar to watching a tragic car crash in slow motion. Mid-night I awoke from the haunting, entangled tightly with him, skin against skin. I gasped, I shivered, and he held me close. Although, I didn’t tell him about it, I am unsure why. There are very few moments that remind us we are human and that we are living. That moment was a state of grace. Maybe, had I shared my dream, it would have been for him as well. How often do you dream your world is crumbling, then awake in its safe arms?

      This is no celebration, nor a paradise. I wonder until it becomes unbearable, if God believes me capable of making it so, for one of a broken soul. Without being coy, maybe I will never write a novel, or be competent enough to put a few words together. I have no choice but to go on living. But what if I find out I can’t slay the demons that turn his blood cold? How do I go on with something like that?

       I can’t tell you where chivalry may or may not have gone, I can’t point you in the direction of Jesus Christ, and I certainly have no clue as to where half of ones socks go in the dryer. If you look well enough, you will find us. There we are. In the kitchen at three am dancing in the refrigerator light. There we are again, inebriated and belting out tunes off key at a bar. If you look well enough, through the mud, past the angst and wounds, you will find enough moments worth staying for. One reason to stay is enough reasoning not to go. This is no diary. I found my clarity in the voice and revealing of someone who was once a stranger. Had he given up on the world, I wouldn’t know what a state of grace feels like. For that, I am eternally grateful. 

The Worst Kind of Strangers

  

Sun rays fell with romantic affection upon her arm through the bar window. She was frozen in a daze, staring at the dust particles that danced around in air where the sun hit. Graceful and always in the center of the room, she was a rare breed of a woman, leaving men eagerly speechless at all times. Landon looked at her fixedly with admiration from across the bar. She would not be aware of this, she was too tied up with day dreams in the corner, like a school girl. In a past life, Landon had known this woman very well. He took to head the rest of the dry whisky from his glass, and exhaled in a way that others around him caught a sense of nervousness. The steps from his barstool to the corner table where the woman sat, felt irrationally longer than it actually was. This was either due to the whiskey, or his anxiousness. “Linda, hey!” he called, walking up to her table, hands in his pockets and his shoulders stiff. The woman looked up at him and her face looked familiar, yet remote. “Landon Michaels?” She smiled shaking her head and he pulled his hands from his pockets to hug her. Landon had always found her so charismatic, so beautiful, and so passionate, so she became so. The summer they had both spent together years ago, and the intimate memories that occurred, one could find in the moment between the tics of a clock. “I can’t believe you’re still coming to this old, God forsaken bar,” she giggled as she said this. It had been ten years since Linda had shown her face back in Lakeville. “May I sit?” he asked her. She nodded with permission. “Tell me of your life LInda,” he didn’t say this demandingly, he asked this with his voice soft as water. Landon had zoned out for most of her response, he was distracted by her familiar smell and the way her hair perfectly laid each time the opening door blew it back. She had explained to him that her appearance was due to her father being sick. He noticed she had skipped over any mentioning of her husband. Clearly, she preferred to shelve the subject, this is omething he was used to. Linda took a sip of her beer , “Enough about me, how are you? Where are you working? Who’s the lucky lady?” The way Linda asked these things, took Landon back to when he had first met her.  He was reading ‘Absalom, Absalom’, at Mikes Corner Diner, Linda had walked in with her friends. She just made herself at home in his booth asking him who he was, and what he was reading. She was always good at that, making herself at home. Linda used to be home to him, and his arms to her. Oh, the torture of small talk with someone you used to love. He snapped back to reality, “ I own a construction company here now, it’s not all that bad, I have good men. No lady, none since…” Landon felt a sense of guilt for adding that in. Ten, long, lonesome years, a million stars between them, and he wouldn’t wish to make this woman feel guilt or pain for a split second. Linda looked at Landon with the eyes of a bride who’s husband to be had left her at the alter. Unsurprisingly, Linda’s response was ardent, and loving just as she was. Linda recognized Landon’s fidgeting unerringly, the way he usually did when he grew remorsefully nervous. “Oh Landon,” she said in a low, calming tone. Landon looked up abruptly, “ I wasn’t ready. All these years, and I never felt ready for life to throw me back in the ring again. No woman was you, that’s why none of them could ever have me.” All of a sudden, Landon with all of his being wanted to be back at his bar stool. The once lovers were now strangers, the worst kind- strangers who have known every curve, every freckle, every weak spot of one another. Ten summers ago, Landon and Linda had spent months beneath the trees, playing and growing together in love. When summer left, Linda did too, back homeward to New York. Five months later, she lost the baby and with it her hope. When she lost the child, she kind of just shut off. A lifetime of phone calls and letters went unanswered, Landon ran after her to New York, but she was gone. Now, there she was. The only woman Landon was to ever love and she was within arms reach. That is the tragedy of living, people who were once warm as the Autumn light, turn cold as ice. With a single tear running dramatically down Linda’s face, she stood up with complete vigilance, hugged Landon tightly, and like that summer long ago she left. Landon watched her walk away with the feeling of the weight of the Universe collapsing down on him. He knew Linda had loved him all these years, he partially believed she still did. Linda knew she had been wrong and cold. The way things are would have to be enough. She would return home to her husband, and he would return to his bar stool and have another whiskey.

On a Monday

 

 Who knew waking up on the other side of the bed could be so lovely? Slightly reluctant, unaware, and selfishly he ruined it. You see, the fault in our stars was not that he loved another woman, but that he did not love me. He didn’t love much. He didn’t love him. Half listening, half caring, and half being there he tagged along. This beautiful man, my untamed madness, and myself. He carries this brilliant mind of empty space that he fills with craze – dark, burdening, self defeating craze. Then he calls it home. Let every word that has ever escaped my lips not mean a single thing in this world if he could believe this to be true: your heart is good as gold & your mind is a palace. Perhaps one day he will quit allowing it to be a battlefield. Until then I’ll run my fingers up and down the curves of his back & hope he will let me just a little bit in the door way. After all, you can not save a single soul in this world.. You can just love them. 

    

“Trust me, she knew who she was dancing with the entire time. She just chose to see the good in everybody. It’s possible her energy could even bring the good out of the devil.”